By Glenda Shortt
Contest Alert: Kids and Youth Anti-Bullying Poster Contest (read on for details)
The Orchard community believes that standing up to bullies should happen EVERY DAY! We live in a world where every single person is different, unique, and special.
While administering a fairly successful Facebook group of predominantly adults, I have witnessed harassment and bullying among our members. In the online world, people can be incredibly passionate expressing their ideas and opinions. COVID-19 really brought out the keyboard warriors. And to be honest, it has been the most difficult and challenging time to administrate a community group in my seven years of running it. We had adults name-calling, belittling, and insulting fellow neighbours for expressing concern, voicing an opinion or viewpoint contrary to that of someone else. While I appreciate a great debate or difference of opinion based on facts, insults, name-calling, and comments not based in fact are not necessary. What does it really achieve? Have you been heard any louder? Does it really make you feel better?
I worked for over 15 years with Canada Border Services as a customs and immigration officer. I am well-versed in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. I have seen hate propaganda, workplace harassment, and bullying in my workplace first-hand. There are times I spoke up, and times I had to stand down (for a multitude of reasons). To be honest, it was often easier to ignore and be a bystander, or follow directions to “mind your own business” than to stand up. I am not proud of those instances and constantly strive to do better, and lead my family to follow.
After becoming a mom, the term “bullying” was used so often and in the most minor situations. We would attend organized playgroups and hear moms call other children “bullies” because a child was not including their child in play, or took a toy away. That is not bullying…that is how young preschool-age children learn how to socially connect with each other and learn social rules of conduct. Calling these children “bullies” was a little extreme and unkind in my opinion; rather, these are teaching opportunities.
It is difficult in primary grades, because we teach our children to be inclusive and kind to everyone. Children say things impulsively. They have limited experience, tools, and skills and are still learning how their peer system works. It is important as parents that we lead by example, because these are the critical years that lay the framework for later in life: “The way we speak to our child matters, for the words travel beyond the ears, settling into the creases of their hearts and the crevices of their self-worth” (quote from Renee Jain).
When my children say that they don’t like broccoli, I always tell them that they do, they just choose not to have it today. And that it is okay! But there is no need to throw the broccoli, or call it names. This translates into schoolyard play as well. One day they may not want to play with a particular friend and that is okay, too! But they should not go out of their way to say so meanly and rudely by telling the other child, “I don’t want to play with you,” because that hurts. I find reversing the roles and reminding them how it feels when a friend responds that way to them helps to put their impulsive reactions into perspective. Unkind words are the stepping stones that can escalate to bullying.
Not every friend has to be your best friend either; this goes for people of all ages. As neighbours, we may not LOVE each of our neighbours, nor may we particularly like them. But as adults, we don’t go out of our way to antagonize them, belittle them, or make their lives difficult [Editor’s note: hopefully!]. We surely don’t call them names, gossip about them, or say unkind things about them behind their backs.
So, when does a person making mean and unkind comments become a bully? My oldest daughter (now 10 years old) encountered “mean girl” behaviour from a group of friends, and it was escalating in the number of participants and severity of actions: it was turning into bullying. At first, it was the usual grade school “I am not your friend” and “you can’t play with us,” which happens, we get it. It’s not nice, and is often hurtful, but hey…we don’t all have to have broccoli, right? I became concerned when she no longer sought out her favourite cookies, popcorn, and treats. She stopped eating carbohydrates at dinner. I asked her the whole week, why? Was anything bothering her? It took me five days to learn that a “friend” had called her fat in the change room. Another called her a loser in class. The girls would take my daughter’s possessions and hide them. They brought in her slightly younger sister, my younger daughter, to make the older sister feel jealous within her own peer group. They even got the younger sister to say to her own-age best friend “we don’t play with brown-skinned people,” which my youngest repeated to “fit in with the big kids.” The last straw was laying hands on the younger sister on the playground to get a reaction from my older daughter. I reached out to the parents, only to be told “my child would NEVER do that,” and that there had to be some kind of misunderstanding.
We endured four years of tummy aches, tears, late nights, not wanting to go to school, and the ever-upsetting “Why do my friends do this to me?” and “What have I done wrong?” We finally had enough the night before returning to school from Christmas break. My oldest complained of a sore stomach. She felt ill and was in and out of the bathroom. By midnight, after hours of tears, she was buckled over in pain, and I got ready to take her to the ER, thinking she had something seriously wrong internally. As I was getting ready, my husband was with her and she threw up for what seemed like forever. Amazingly…she felt better afterwards. We talked, she was calm and able to focus. She told me she was afraid her “friends” would go back to being the same as they were before the holidays. We went to the school, and they were helpful and supportive. We sought help from our GP, private counseling, and armed her with defensive tools to shield her from the hurt. The sad part is that while we are doing everything to support our daughter, and as she becomes stronger and able to withstand or ignore the bullying, the children behind the bullying will move on to another target. I am proud that my daughter has learned that her bullies lack so much in their own lives, and that they are the ones who need extra care and support. I am so proud of all she has overcome and grateful that she has tools to help her as she gets older.
As I said earlier, administering a Facebook group can present its fair share of (adult!) bullying. Every once in a while, when the moon was full and the tide was high, a simple post a member made turned into a verbal blood bath. Then, in March 2020, COVID-19 hit, and our country was shutting down to slow this fatal virus. It was worrisome to say the least. We watched news reports on the spread and volatility of the virus. Members of our community page posted different articles, perpetuating the information (real or embellished). If anyone had a different opinion, some would call the original poster names, targeting their intelligence. The mean posts increased exponentially, alongside the rise in fear of all the unknowns of this virus. As administrators, we made the decision to require all posts be approved by one of us, and refused to allow COVID posts, unless it was necessary information from a verified source, like changes in restrictions from the government. I took a lot of flack for making that decision to censor some types of posts, but it was necessary for the protection of the mental health of the wider group.
So bullying starts with small words and actions, which may begin out of fear or discomfort on the part of the bully, and escalates, growing into a problem that will affect the person being bullied mentally, physically, and emotionally. We all need to live our lives in a loving and supportive way to do better than we have in the past. An ounce of kindness goes farther than unsupportive and unkind words and actions. We do not know what someone else is going through. We also don’t have access to the same tools and resources, and we all have uniquely different experiences. What I have learned is that how we treat others is learned at home, transcends the household, and goes out into the community. A quote often attributed to Frederick Douglass notes that “It’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults.”
As a community, looking for ways to engage and spread our sense of a kind, supportive community, we are hosting a kids’ and youth anti-bullying poster contest. We will have two age categories: 12 years and under and 13–18 years. We are challenging our youth to create an anti-bullying poster to put in their window at home! To qualify for one of our prizes, they must post an image of their poster in the anti-bullying thread on the Our Orchard Community Facebook page. The two posters with the most likes will each win one of the two prizes I acquired from two local Orchard businesses! The deadline for submissions will be 6 pm on Saturday, February 27, 2021. Voting will end at noon on Sunday, February 28, and the winners will be announced shortly afterwards!
The first prize is a $50 gift certificate and t-shirt from Studebaker Pub and Diner! Owners Naomi and Anand Maharaj collaborated with me to make this prize extra special, as anti-bullying is a cause that is near and dear to their hearts!
The second prize offered is a $50 gift certificate to local Orchard business Here I Grow Gifts (https://www.facebook.com/hereigrow.burlington/), owned by Allison MacKay, an online gift shop for personal and unique gifts for your loved ones. She has been in business for 13 years, and I would love to thank her for creating my pink shirt for this special day (see photo)!
So, on February 24, 2021, wear your pink shirt to show support for stopping bullying! And throughout the year, stand up for those who are bullied around you: become part of the solution! Finally, over the weekend, take a walk through our hood and check out some amazing creations and messages, and check out our Facebook page to “like” your favourite poster by noon on Sunday!
